Can you say that when it feels like everyday? “It’s just one of those days. Like yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. Like it will be tomorrow.”
I’m tired. I feel at the end of my rope. As I write, my son is in his crib crying. No, I’m not neglecting him. Just the opposite really. I’m trying to do what’s best. And it’s breaking my heart.
Sleep has been hit and miss for Milo the last couple of months. First, we thought it was the move. Then, it was teething. The ear infection. Vacation. Maybe another tooth. But let’s just call it what it is: he’s a baby. And babies sometimes struggle with the simplest tasks, even sleep.
For a while, we would take turns getting up with Milo and soothing him. If an hour went by and he was still crying, we’d wake the other person. I would resort to nursing. Anything to get some sleep.
But then it seemed like we had developed a really bad habit, so Nick took the majority of responsibility of getting up with Milo. Milo knew he was getting no boob from Nick, so he would fall asleep better with him. Better, my friends, is still a relative term.
Once Nick was sufficiently sleep deprived, we turned to co-sleeping. It worked great in the short term, but eventually that didn’t satisfy Milo and then he was just crying in bed with us.
And so it was that we finally let Milo cry-it-out for the first time. When nothing else would work, we decided to just leave him be. He cried for what felt like forever. I cried only half as long. It was awful.
But the next night he slept 12 hours. My how I felt like a brand new person! But then it was back to crying. And it’s not just night time, it’s naps as well.
And all this time it’s been chipping away at me. I’ve lost pieces of myself every time I enter into the sleep battles with Milo. It’s broken my spirit more times than not. It leaves me wary. I don’t leave the house for fear of Milo missing a nap. I avoid the phone because I just can’t talk. If I talk, I’ll cry and I can’t cry. Too many tears have already been shed.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know that many moms have gone before me and many moms will go after me. And please, save your advice. I know the tricks and I’ve tried them all. This is just something we have to get through. If you want to help, say a prayer. Pray for peace, patience, and sleep. And understand when I’m unresponsive.
This too shall pass.