If I Had Only Known


Why hello there friends, it’s been a while. When last we talked, I was struggling with secondary infertility. Well, surprise! I gave birth to our second son on October 23, 2016. 
Meet Thomas Asher Jordan. 

He’s beautiful and wonderful. He stares at you with this wide-eyed innocence. I am completely in love. 

But if I had known…

If God had told me the price I’d pay to have Thomas…

…that it would take 18 months of disappointment before he was finally conceived. 

…that I would be so violently ill in the first trimester, I’d end up on bedrest for 6 weeks. 

…that at 19 weeks pregnant we would find out Thomas had some abnormalities. We would spend the rest of the pregnancy seeing specialists and have multiple ECHOs and ultrasounds done. 

…that Thomas would come 7 weeks early and with him a sense of guilt that my body had failed him. I couldn’t give him the time he needed to fully develop. 

…that he would require surgery the day after he was born to remove 15cm of dead bowel. 

…that at 5 weeks old and just days before being discharged, he would be diagnosed with NEC. That I would feel the floor drop from beneath my feet. And that I would spend the next 24 hours pleading with God to spare my child. 

…that we would finally be discharged after 8 weeks in the NICU…

…only to be readmitted 2 weeks later with a NEC-like infection that doctors could never fully diagnose. That on the day of readmittance we would be visiting family, so my sick child would be flown by helicopter back to our hospital. 

…that he would struggle to gain weight leaving the doctors baffled. 

…that he would undergo another surgery in hopes of finding what caused the infection and failure to thrive. 

…that at 3 months old we’d still be in the NICU and uncertain of how the story will end…

…if I had known all of this…

…if God had told me He’d give me the desires of my heart, but this would be the price…

I would have said no. 


But God and I didn’t have that conversation. When that pregnancy test said “positive,” I had no idea the road we would travel. 

And thank God for that. Because I love my Thomas. My Thomas. And had I known, I would have said no. And then I wouldn’t have Thomas. And things could have been easier, that’s for certain.

But this boy. 

Some day he’ll call me Mommy. 

And in the meantime, I’ll fight tooth and nail for him. And be thankful that I didn’t know. Because the not knowing made me stronger for the doing.